Dating Isn’t the Problem — You Are

and how to fix it from someone who learned the hard way (plus: the action plan that actually works)

“It’s not that there are no good men, you are just oozing desperation”

Some of this is going to sound harsh. I actually considered rewriting the entire piece to soften the edges — to make it feel more palatable, more gentle. But I decided against it.
A) You can handle it.
B) You know I have your best interest at heart.

So here’s some tough love, from a girl who’s been there — desperate, confused, and clinging to crumbs. I got out, I got clear, and now I’m giving it to you straight. Because you deserve more.

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I was having lunch with a friend the other day when she pulled out a list she keeps of every date she’s ever been on in NYC. Iconic. First names (or hilarious nicknames she made up), how they met, where they went, her mindset going in, a rating out of 10, and a one-liner summarizing the vibe.

After a thorough scroll, I asked her what she’d learned from reflecting on the 54(!!!) dates. Her answer was this: dating is about you. Your mindset. Your internal dialogue. Your relationship with yourself. The person sitting across from you is secondary. If you’re not at peace with the voice in your own head, even the “perfect” man won’t land right.

She said her single friends constantly complain about dating in New York, but she actually finds it… easy. And I get it. We agreed it comes down to energy. The energy you bring into a date, a room, a restaurant, wherever. We weren’t dating to find someone. We weren’t even looking. We already felt whole. And that kind of peace radiates. It makes you magnetic. Mysterious. The opposite of desperate — and that alone sets you apart in a dating scene that often reeks of it.

Here’s the thing: I know you’re smart. I know you pick your friends’ loser boyfriends apart with perfect clarity. So why do the blinders go on when it’s your own life? The answer: You’re not being honest with yourself. It takes some brutally uncomfortable self-work to admit that maybe — just maybe — you’re operating from a place of just wanting a boyfriend. And when that’s the goal, not connection or compatibility or actual fulfillment, things tend to go south.

Let me tell you what I’ve observed in the women I know and love who have dated with the sole mission of getting a boyfriend:

They end up with losers. Assholes. Weirdos. They get cheated on, ghosted, and gaslit. They get told “monogamy is outdated” by a balding 37-year-old or “I smoke weed and play video games to relax” by a guy who lies about his job title and lives like an off-brand frat boy.

Looking for men is not the goal. Finding one isn’t the prize. The real win is building a life that’s so rich, so full of meaning and chaos and beauty, that a relationship becomes a bonus — not the foundation. Fill your cup on your own. And watch what happens when it overflows.

How to: stop chasing and start radiating